Fear of Failure
Featured Blogger: Aja Savoy,
I updated my cover photo on FB yesterday. It’s a simple photo, with a simple message – ‘Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.’ This message got me thinking. Y’all know what happens when I start thinking… yep, a whole new CSA!
We all have wounds (the emotional ones are what I’m talking about here). Most of us didn’t create these wounds ourselves. Here’s the kicker though… we are the reason the wounds won’t heal. These emotional wounds may seem to heal, yet in reality, they’ve only been covered by an emotional scab. If we really look at the wound, it opens back up and we feel all of the same emotions we felt when these wounds were created. Here’s the insanely simple reason why – FEAR.
Of course, I’ll use myself as an example (I’m sure you’ll find pieces of yourself in this tale). It’s no secret that I’ve not been successful at personal relationships. I’ve been through multiple breakups that left me with a sense of unworthiness, a sense of emptiness. At one point, the darkness took over and I contemplated no longer existing. After fighting my way out of that bad place, I decided I would never allow anyone or anything to make me feel that way again. My solution? Push that feeling and that time so far to the depths of my core that it’s lost from sight. Ignore it. Pretend it didn’t exist. Remove myself from any situation that would even have the possibility of ending the way the others did. Basically… I’ve closed myself off to the idea of a relationship. I’ve hidden myself away. I’ve refused to even entertain the idea of getting close to anyone. Want to know where this has gotten me? NO F’ING WHERE. Wait, does miserable count? That’s about all it amounts to. I’ve allowed my fear of getting hurt, my fear of not having my feelings reciprocated, to push me to the point of misery. Instead of dealing with the hurt, I’ve pushed it out of sight and closed myself off from the possibility of a real relationship.
Seriously, how in the hell does this even make any sense. It’s so much more ridiculous seeing it on paper!! Hey, I got my heart broken a couple of times, so now I’ll just deprive myself of what I want most in life – because I’m scared to get hurt. Y’all, I’m seriously laughing hysterically in my head right now. If any of my friends told me this I would more than likely slap the mess out of them and start laughing. Yet, here I am letting my fear of heartache keep me from finding my own happiness. This is the most ridiculous shit I’ve heard in a while. Seriously.
The craziness gets better. This act of closing myself off to opportunities spills over to my professional life also. I’ve become so used to just